Any time God’s design is not functioning in your family, it is obvious that it is not His design. Somebody is not following His design. A functional family is a family that operates the way God says it ought to operate. Now we come to 6:1-4:

"Children," he says, "obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother (which is the first commandment with a promise), that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth. And, fathers, do not provoke your children to anger; but bring them up in the disciple and instruction of the Lord."

What is the responsibility of children in God’s design for the family? We know the wives’ and the husbands’ responsibilities. Now children, what are your responsibilities in the family of God and the family that God has given to you?

"Children, obey your parents in the Lord."

Now even before I get into the outline, we need to qualify the word "children." A lot of times people misunderstand that word. It is the word teknon. It is the word that refers to the offspring of a couple, but it is more than that. It doesn’t necessarily refer to a young child. You need to understand this. In the culture that this was written, they would stay in their homes until the day they were married. What it is implying here is that if you are still living under your parent’s roof, if you are still letting Mama and Daddy foot the bills, then you fit in Ephesians 6:1-3. I know a lot of the older ones don’t like that. I realize there comes a time when you can make your own decisions and you ought to be making a lot of decisions. The father’s responsibility to a child of that age is to encourage him to make his own decisions. However, if it comes down to it, if one or the other is going to prevail, God’s Word tends to lean on the fact that if you are still living under their support, then you are still obligated biblically to do what they tell you to do.

Let’s break this down and see if we can find some practical things that will help us. How does God design work? You will find it in God’s Word. What does God say about the children’s responsibility in the Spirit-filled family?

THE ACTION OF THE CHILD

First of all, there is the action of children towards the parents that is required. Verse 1 says,

"Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right."

Earlier I was trying to teach you that word hupotasso, and how wives are to submit to their husbands. That word refers to an equal submitting to an equal. Paul changes the word here and uses the word that we said did not apply to wives. He changes it to hupakouo. Now that is different. That is an inferior. Now in God’s eyes, you are all equal. But in that family you are an inferior and you are to submit to a superior, your Mother and your Father. That is what the word means. As a matter of fact, it is the grace of God if they ever explain to you why they tell you to do anything because that is what the word implies. It is like a slave to his master.

Paul uses it again in chapter 6. It is the same word used when we submit to God. We are not equals with God. In our Christian walk, we are to obey Him regardless. If we don’t understand, that is one thing, but if He says it we do it, period. There are no questions asked. It is the same word.

You see, there are a lot of families that aren’t Spirit-filled. They are dysfunctional. What is wrong? You’ve got a wife submitting to her husband and a husband loving his wife as Christ loved the church. But you might have a child in that family who says,

"I am not going to do it your way. I am going to do it my way."

God says,

"Now you have a dysfunctional family."

The problem is not the mother. The problem is not the father. The problem is that kid not wanting to submit to his mother and father. God says, "You are required."

There is a myth going around that says when a child gets saved he is not as accountable as an adult when they get saved. The Word of God says,

"Listen, whatever you have been given will be required of you."

In other words, God says,

"I have given you the same Holy Spirit that I have given to your mother and your father. If you claim to be a Christian, you are responsible to meet the design of God in the family. God will hold you accountable because the Word of God makes you accountable. The Spirit of God living in your life requires it out of you."

That’s the context of the Christian home. Obviously the Apostle Paul is not including commands that are contrary to the Word of God. That is not what he is saying. One of the first fears that goes through a child’s mind upon hearing this is,

"You mean to tell me that it doesn’t matter what my mother and father tell me, I’ve got to do it even if it violates the Word of God?"

Never, never, never. That is not even the context of what Paul is talking about. Paul is talking to Christian families. Paul is trying to give the design for Spirit-filled homes. God would never have you do anything that would be contrary to His inspired, inerrant and infallible Word. You are never required to do anything that would mock the holiness and the purity of God. But when Paul uses the phrase in verse 1,

"Children, obey your parents in the Lord,"

he is using it in a sense that says if you want to live your life as a true Spirit-filled believer, the first thing God says is to obey your parents.

There are a lot of Christians, especially young Christians, who think that, if they love Jesus, the way to show that love is to get involved in the youth group at church. The Apostle Paul is saying, "No. You obey your parents in the Lord. If you want to please Him, don’t start at church. Start at home."

Look in Colossians 3:20. Ephesians and Colossians are basically commentaries on each other. You can’t make that all the time the absolute, but here I think they are complimenting each other. In Colossians 3:20 he doesn’t say,

"Children, be obedient to your parents in the Lord."

He says it a different way. I think he brings out what he says in Ephesians. Verse 20 says,

"Children, be obedient to your parents in all things."

"All things" always refers to those things that God would be honored with. You are not required to do anything immoral or outside of the will of God. If a parent ever tells you to do that, back off and say,

"I cannot. I am going to obey my Lord Jesus and that violates His Word. I will not do that."

God doesn’t require you to do that.

"Children, be obedient to your parents in all things, for this is well-pleasing to the Lord."

That is what he is saying in Ephesians. You do this in the Lord. If you want to be Spirit-filled, if you want to let the Spirit of God control you, then let the test of that be when you are willing to obey Mama and Daddy.

God says, "You do it in the Lord." This is well-pleasing to the Lord. Young people, do you want to be filled with the Spirit of God? Go home and start exemplifying the love of Jesus Christ for your Mother and Father. Let them understand that you are willing to obey them. Let them understand that they are important to you because you have sensed from God’s Word that is the design of a holy God for the Spirit-filled family. Then everything else you do will have God’s anointing touch.

If you find a young person who is belligerent to their parents, you have picked up an attitude. Young people, in your dating life, when you want to date a boy and that boy has those right kind of eyes, when the stars get in his eyes, he knows how to say it better than anybody. Ladies, listen to what I am saying. That boy will not obey his parents. As a matter of fact, he stretches the rules his parents have set up for him. He is supposed to be in at 12:00 but somehow he got in at 12:30. He always makes it look like there was something else that happened so he can bend it just a little bit further. His parents gave him so much money to do something, but he used it for something else. I want to tell you, ladies, you are acting foolishly if you continue dating that individual. I don’t care who it is. When a young man will treat his parents that way without the respect and willingness to obey them even though God has put them in a position of authority over him, then you have got an individual who either doesn’t know Jesus Christ or an individual who is walking directly opposite from the way God wants him to walk. You don’t need to be in that relationship.

Young men, you had better remember that about the girls you date. A girl who will despise her parents in any way is telling you something about her spiritual walk with God. She has no concept of what it means to be Spirit-filled. "Spirit filled" describes an attitude that shows itself in an appropriate action. The required action of young people to their parents is that they obey their parents.

The verb is present imperative which is a command to do this at all times. You have no option whatsoever. Yes, the world says a lot of foolish things, but the Word of God will tell you what the design of the Spirit filled family looks like. The Word of God is very straight and very clear. It doesn’t give in where we want it to give in. When you find a young person not obeying his or her parents, not willing to respect them enough to where he or she would listen to them and do what they tell him or her to do, you’ve got a person who is not walking with God.

What is the action required? A command of children in the family—obey your parents. He goes on to say, "for this is right." Dikaios is the word. It refers to that which is correct, that which is just and that which is righteous. You could define dikaios another way, as that which is exactly what it should be. Isn’t that good? God never tells us to do anything that is not exactly what it should be. The only time families get dysfunctional in the spiritual sense is when the design is broken, when a wife won’t submit to her husband, when a husband won’t love his wife as Christ loved the church, when a child will not obey their parents. Then you have a dysfunctional spiritual family. That is all there is to it.

THE ATTITUDE OF THE CHILD

Secondly, there is the attitude of the child.

Now I want you to see this. It is one thing to obey. It is another thing the way you obey. He says in verse 2,

"Honor your Father and Mother (which is the first commandment with a promise)."

Now remember, anybody can go through the action. It is the attitude that you have before the action that makes all the difference in the world.

There are three motives for any kind of obedience. One is fear. I used to say to my son: "STEPHEN." "Yes, sir!" "You get upstairs right now." Whooom! He would get upstairs. Do you think he obeyed me because he loved me? Are you kidding? He obeyed me because he was scared of getting a spanking.

A second way of obeying is when you want something. Stephen, periodically, would clean up his room. It is always impressive when he cleans it up. I would say,

"Stephen, you cleaned up your room!"

"Yeah, Dad, I just thought I would do what you wanted me to do."

 About ten minutes later he would say,

"By the way, have you got an extra $20? I am going out with my friends tonight!"

Wait a minute! Why is he obeying me? Because he loves me? No, because he wants $20. That is why he did what he did. I wasn’t born yesterday. I tried the same thing with my Dad.

The real way to obey is out of love and respect, out of honor. Now I want to tell you something, when you do that for your parents, you haven’t got a clue how much that is going to minister to your parents. You don’t realize how much they are going to love you in return. You don’t realize how it works the right way. But you have to have the purest of motives to honor your Father and your Mother. One thing that just blesses me is when I come home and Stephen has done something. I say,

"Stephen, I appreciate that. Why did you do that?"

Stephen answers

"I just love you, Dad."

Whew! I would give him anything he wants. I am as tender as I can get when it gets to that point because he loves me, not because he is afraid of me. He loved me, not because he wanted something from me. He loved me because he wanted to honor me and respect me.

God says,

"Young people, you had better put that ingredient into your obedience or you have missed the whole thing."

That is what He said. How do you do that? The Spirit of God will empower you to do anything God has ever commanded you to do. God will change your heart and your attitude. God will change your perspective towards your parents. Behind the action is an attitude. Honor your Father and your Mother.

Paul goes back to the Ten Commandments and pulls out the first commandment that is fundamental to every relationship that you will ever have. I want to show you something. If he didn’t say anything else about relationships in the Ten Commandments, this is enough right here. When you get a child who grows up obeying his parents, not just because he fears them or wants them but because he truly honors and respects the position of authority that God has placed them in, then you have a child who will honor and respect authority of all kinds and will have the kind of decent family that we need in our country today. God says it starts when you are in that home. God wants to fill you with His spirit so that you can help carry out that design in the spiritually functional way.

The word for honor is timao. The word means to esteem, to value highly, to hold in the highest regard and respect, treat as precious and to revere. Now if you don’t think these commandments are important, you had better be glad you are living in the New Covenant. Moses, in the Old Covenant, said,

"He who strikes his father or his mother shall surely be put to death."

It is important to God, friend. He says another time,

"He who curses his father or his mother shall surely be put to death."

I want to tell you, we live in such a permissive society. We have pulled so far away from God’s design that we think it is okay to do anything we want to with our parents. God says,

"No, it is not. If you are going to be filled with My Spirit, you are not only going to obey but you are going to have an attitude behind that obedience which is honoring your father and your mother."

To honor your parents encompasses not only obeying them when they are young, it also has built into it providing for them when they are old. You see, if you start off honoring your parents now, you will honor them when they are old. If you don’t love and respect them now, you are not going to love and respect them when they are old and have need of you. They have spent thousands of dollars on you, and there is going to come a day when they get unable to do what they used to be able to do. That is when that honor really comes to fruition and comes to the surface. You are to not only honor them when you are young but provide for them when they are old. That is what that honor is all about.

It is a present attitude that carries all the way through. The action that is required, obey, hupakouo, as an inferior to a superior. The attitude must go along with it. Honor your Father and your Mother. It is not just the act. It is the attitude with which the act is carried out.

What can you look forward to? What is God going to do if you are willing to do it His way? He says in verse 2:

"(which is the first commandment with a promise), that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth."

Paul finishes the scripture in Exodus 20:12 and Deuteronomy 5:16. He reaches back and takes a quote that was promised to Israel when they went into the land of Canaan. It is a very significant promise. It didn’t mean that if you obey your parents you are going to live to be 110 years old. That is not what he is saying. He is saying, "If each of your families will function the way God set it up and if you children will obey your parents, then you as a nation will be sustained forever on this earth."

Do you realize how important the families are to our society? The more we are willing to do it God’s way, the more God says those families are going to sustain, even the society around you. Then you are going to have a long time on this earth. Christianity is so effective when it is exemplified in the lives of people who constitute families. So part of that is children being willing to obey their parents. However it is not a promise that you are going to live a long time. He is not promising you a long life, but He is promising you that the heritage you leave behind will last forever. The Christian society, the Christian family, the Christian life continues to go on and continues to have its effect. He does promise the utmost fulfillment of life, however long the individual has it, if you are willing to obey and to honor your parents. It will be well with you.

You may have all kinds of difficult circumstances to deal with, and you may not live as long as you would like to live, but I want to tell you, on the day you die you will have a fulfilled life. Why? You are going to have a happier, more stable, more successful life than the individual who claims to be a Christian who won’t do what God tells him to do and is rude and is disrespectful and self-willed and rebellious. A child who says, "I am going to do it Your way, God," has a promise and that promise is you are going to have the most fulfilling life that you could ever possibly imagine. Listen, it is a fearful thing to tell somebody you know the living God and you are not willing to do what God tells you to do. It is a fearful thing.

Maybe we ought to take a pop test. We have been taking them on the parents. I wonder if we could just have personal interviews with your parents next week and find out what your attitude is like at home. I wonder if you are really Spirit-filled or if you are putting on a performance so everybody will think that you are something that you are not. You see, you will have a long life in the sense that you will have a heritage to continue. You will have a sustained life, however long you live, and it will be as full as you could possibly imagine. Whoever received Christ has the same amount of God in him as anybody else whether they are six or sixty. So the action that God requires in the Spirit-filled family for the child is obedience. The attitude is honor and respect. The anticipation is that it might be well with you. You will have such a full life that if you die when you are 18, it is alright because in those 18 years you will have lived what some people never ever experience living a full life down here on this earth.

God has a design, folks. Why can’t we get with the program? We are always trying to pamper the exceptions. We are always trying to pamper those situations that didn’t work out right. Why don’t we deify the ones that will work out right. Wives submit to your husbands. Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church. Children obey your parents. Honor and respect them and God will give you a life that is so rich and full that if you die at 17, you are ready to go because there is nothing else you really want to experience because of the fullness and the well being of the life that God gave to you.
 

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Look at verse 4 of Ephesians 6:

"And, fathers, do not provoke your children to anger; but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord."

"And, fathers, do not provoke your children to anger."

"Don’t provoke them to anger."

"Fathers, do not exasperate your children."

"that they may not lose heart."

"that, in reference to your former manner of life, you lay aside the old self, and put on the new self."

"Therefore, laying aside falsehood, speak truth, each one of you, with his neighbor, for we are members of one another."

"How can I live a double standard in front of my child?"

"Wait a minute. There is something deceitful about all of this. You are telling me to do something and you are not even willing to live it yourself. You are never willing to admit that you are wrong. You are always blaming somebody else."

"like father like son."

"Be angry and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger."

"and do not give the devil an opportunity."

"Let him who steals steal no longer; but rather let him labor, performing with his own hands what is good, in order that he may have something to share with him who has need."

"Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, that it may give grace to those who hear."

"Well, alright, you little coward! Come on in here if you need to and lay on the floor. That’s alright if you are going to be a sissy, if you are going to be a coward!"

"Son, I am so sorry. I didn’t mean that. I was just irritated and I was tired."

"Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice."

There is one more thing that will provoke a child to anger. Look in Ephesians 5:3-10. Do you know what it is? It is immorality. Dads, let me say a personal word to you. If immorality is in your life at all, somehow it is going to filter to your child. Incest. Oh, dear God, may it never be named among us! The damage that would do to a child. Sexual immorality. Yet in the church of Jesus Christ it is rampant today like never before. And we wonder what is wrong with our generation.

Daily I’ve got to realize that if I don’t walk filled with the Spirit of God, I can produce anger in my children over the years. I can produce something in them that would cause them not to even be able to relate to God or their friends or anybody else. As a matter of fact, it would put them in a state to where they are ready to explode or put them in a state where their spirit is so broken that they are lethargic and can’t even produce a reaction of any kind.

Being filled with the Spirit of God not only is a command, it is a very important part of the Christian life. As a matter of fact, it is the very ingredient of the Christian life. I’ve got to be under the control of God. He has the only design for my family. Until I am under His control, I am going to risk pushing my child into a state of emotional anger that may never be repaired on this earth.

I wish Paul would get off the men’s back, but he hasn’t got off yet. What can we do then? What can we do? What are we supposed to do? None of us have arrived. It scares me to death the responsibility that God has put on us. We take it so lightly.

Remember this dads, that little child is watching you. He is admiring you for you are the hero of his life. Make sure you don’t let him down and don’t let God down. Be filled constantly with the Spirit of God. That means when you are wrong, you confess it to God and you confess it to your child. Keep it transparent, keep it open and that child will grow up as healthy as you ever wanted to see a child grow up. He won’t see Christianity as religion. He will see it as the life of Christ lived out through you and that is what you want him to see.

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The Apostle Paul certainly has been hard on the men. As a matter of fact, he just doesn’t let up. Ephesians 6:4 says,

"And, fathers, do not provoke your children to anger; but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord."

"be [being] filled with the Spirit."

"I am sorry. Will you forgive me? I have asked God to forgive me. Will you forgive me?"

"And, fathers, do not provoke your children to anger; but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord."

"Fragile, handle with care."

"bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord."

"and you have forgotten the exhortation which is addressed to you as sons, ‘My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor faint when you are reproved by Him.’"

"Christ is better than Moses. Christ is better than the prophets. Christ is better than the angels."

"Why does He let all these bad things happen in the world?"

"This is it. Here is the standard. Here are the boundaries. It is preset. Now, if you break it, here are the consequences."

"I just want you to know this is hurting me more than it is hurting you."

"Right, Mother!"

"And I am loving you, son."

"For those whom the Lord loves He disciplines, and He scourges every son whom He receives."

"You mean to tell me God hurts me because He loves me?"

"Well, I am loving my child by just letting him go a little further."

"Now where is that in scripture?"

"Furthermore, we had earthly fathers to discipline us, and we respected them."

"You mean they disciplined them and you respected them? Come on, man, we want freedom."

"You cannot cross this or this is the consequence."

"All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful but sorrowful, [I don’t like to be disciplined, do you? I don’t like standards] yet to those who have been trained by it, [Do you see the process? It is a process. We have to realize that discipline is a process. It is not a one-time thing] afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness."

"‘Those whom I love, I reprove and discipline; be zealous therefore, and repent.’"

"Because I am loving you, because I am reproving you, that is an act of my caring for you. Now do what you need to do. Repent. Change your ways and conform to what I want in your life."

"Oh no, a bus has run over him."

"…and instruction of the Lord."

"But we request of you, brethren, that you appreciate those who diligently labor among you, and have charge over you in the Lord and give you instruction."

"Reject a factious man after a first and second warning."

"Now if you cross this boundary, here is going to be the consequence."

"Do you mean to tell me the father is responsible to spiritually instruct his children in such a way that Jesus is seen as caring and compassionate and loving to them?"

"Dad, it is your responsibility to be the spiritual instructor and the spiritual leader of your family. Don’t blame the church! If your child is not doing well, Dad, where are you missing it?"

It is up to me, as the father, not only to instruct my child, but to present the character of Jesus in such a way that the child can understand what is going on around him and be nurtured in the admonition of the Lord and mature in the midst of even adverse circumstances. The responsibility is ours, not the church’s, not the youth pastor’s. It is the Dad’s responsibility to nurture that child in the admonition of the Lord.

Dad’s, we have a responsibility to get our kid’s head straight so they can learn from God, be instructed in the Word, guided with boundaries and grow up in the midst of whatever circumstances they find themselves. Quit blaming others and let’s understand what our responsibility is from Ephesians 6.

Fathers, remember, God will come alongside you. God will seek you out to get your attention somehow. When He gets your attention, you need to sink your life into His Word, sink your life into the Spirit of God and the Spirit of God will cause you to raise your children without provoking them unto anger.

A medical person told me recently that one of the biggest causes of physical and emotional problems in people is deep-seated anger. I guarantee you I know where it came from. It came right out of the family. There was probably a dad who wouldn’t get in the Word of God. Because of that he has a child now rebelling and going the wrong way. He was provoked with no standards. Anger has risen up within him. He is either ready to explode or he is so lethargic and so limp because his spirit is broken. He is probably even suicidal. All because of a dad. That scares me.
 

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